The Woman Who Killed Santa

Christmas 2006 - the year I dropped the ultimate Christmas bollock.

It involved - a) alcohol, b) a small child and c) the existence, or otherwise, of a popular but possibly mythical figure who lives at the North Pole and who's initials are S.C.

In my defence, conversation round the table with my mother and father in law on Christmas Eve touched on whether my nephew (age 9) still believed in Santa. We 'phoned his mother and the word came back to the table - apparently not.

So Christmas Day, over to the in-laws. It has to be said, I had had a drink, or two. My nephew and I are sitting there and so I asked 'so, what do you think about Santa then?'.I suppose, in hindsight, I should have just shut the fuck up. But no, I had to prattle on about how different cultures believed in different winter spirits, about man's need to have an anthromorphic visualisation of the season, about Jack Frost and every other Terry Pratchett character I could think of.

Nephew goes to bed, I'm struggling into my coat and my sister-in-law appears in front of me, like the Demon King in a panto.'My son has just told me that you told him that Santa doesn't really exist.'

I don't really recall what happened next, but I think my husband bundled me out of the house, got me home, put me to bed, waited until the next morning and then gave me what, in some circles, might be described as a 'telling off'. God, there's nothing worse than being on the wrong end of a well-deserved telling off.

So my plan is this - never see my sister or brother in-law, or their children, again.Somewhat inpractical I know, but best for all in the long run. Best for them because there are two kids aged seven and four who still believe in Santa, best for me because they were just getting to that age when they could beat me on the Nintendo and I hate that.

So, as a result, I have knocked the Ipswitch strangler off of the top of the list as Britain's most evil person! Naturally my friends think this is all hilarious and can't wait for the follow up at Easter 'Jesus - The truth that even Dan Brown wouldn't tell you', and 'The Easter Bunny....Truth or Pie'.