Incy Wincy.......

It’s the time of year when the garden is cobwebbed by…..well, cobwebs, and the spiders are making themselves known. If anything, the damn things are even bigger than last year. The webs are like the catch-nets of a Russian factory trawler, and anything up to the size of a crow had better be worried about being snared.

As for the spiders themselves, well imagine a black and yellow striped tennis ball with fangs and legs and you’re on the right track.

Certainly it makes clearing the garden a bit more exciting if, like me, you’re a great big girl. It is entertaining, so I’m told, to watch me realize that the spider I was close to is now missing from its web and leap about like a loon, smacking myself like an Opus Dei flagilant screaming ‘get it off me, get it off me’. ……Apparently my ‘dance of the spider’ is akin to somebody neglecting their medication and seizing on the dance floor.

Naturally, the spider itself is watching from the roof of the shed thinking ‘what the fuck???’

Still, the garden is now cleared and sacks of plant material now await transportation to local recycling area for composting into a Safeway value salad. So that’s nice.

For Those no Longer with us

5 years ago today in the USA 2,973 people died (another 24 remain listed as missing) at the hands of religious fanatical Muslims.

343 were firefighters and paramedics.

23 of them were NYPD officers.

8 of them were children (the eldest 11 years, the youngest just 2 years).

EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM was someone's son...daughter...mother...father...husband...wife. The list goes on and on.

So spare a thought today for the 3,051 children who lost a parent that day. Wherever you live just take a moment and remember those passed.

New Rule # 2

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man,they're just pictures of men!

Bloody Madness!

Grave news of a further tilt of the axis of evil towards the end of the world not as we know it - but as it should be.........The label on the ‘camp’ coffee bottle is changing.

Ever since I can remember when I’ve walked past it in the supermarket I’ve been cheered by the little picture of the highland fusilier being served his camp beverage by his trusty Indian manservant.The new label apparently has them taking coffee together.

I don’t fucking think so!

First off, the coffee has to be laced with whisky, it’s the only way to make the bloody stuff drinkable. This means that any Mohammeden cannot drink it, as it’s against their religion to drink and against the scot’s religion to waste good scotch on a colonial.

The revised label is, of course, another sop to erasing this nation’s glorious colonial past.

There’s an awful lot of rot talked about Imperial guilt. I don’t have any, for three reasons. One - look what happened to the countries we left to their own devices - total bloody chaos, they were all far better off united and hating us. Two - we gave them all sorts of neat stuff like railways. Three - these days whenever somebody says ‘empire’ I automatically think of the Death Star, so don’t tell me the consequences of empire are far-reaching.

If we’re going to have Imperial guilt though, at least we should have the things around us to feel guilty about! What’s the point of feeling guilty about something that has nothing to do with you and is not your fault. If I wanted that, I’d go back to to Catholicism.

New Rule # 1

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chilli. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

Quackers!

In an effort to try new things to eat (okay, because my usual product had sold out and I had to go with an alternative) I tried duck eggs this weekend.

Fan-tastic! Not only are they a beautiful, beautiful white - but they are bigger than hen’s eggs!

The only drawback is the picture of the duck on the front of the box. Okay, so they are free range and okay so they are lovely, but the adorable looking duck on the box might as well have a speech balloon saying ‘enjoy eating my children’.

And, you know, I did!