21st Century?

It started on a high...had real promise.

It's descended into the shitter in 2003 and I'm beginning to wonder if I'm ever going to come up for air.

Things I say to my dog

…..and what she actually hears.

In the Bedroom.
What I say: “Chloe, settle down.” (Which means lay on the floor)
What Chloe hears: “Chloe…get up on the bed, turn around three times and ‘starfish’.”

On returning from a walk in the rain.
What I say: “Chloe, Stay!”
What Chloe hears: “Chloe…proceed directly to the cream-coloured hallway and shake off all the dirt from your coat.”

On a hot sunny day.
What I say: “Chloe, come on in out of the sun”.
What Chloe hears: “Chloe…stay out there and cook in the heat for another hour. And then hey, why don’t you come on up to the house and hurl on the carpet!”.

Instructions for toys to be put away
What I say: “Chloe…put it away”. (honestly, she can do this.)
What Chloe hears: “Chloe…go put it half way up the stairs so that I’ll break my neck on it at 2 in the morning”.

On eating her dinner
What I say: “Chloe…slowly!”
What Chloe hears: “Gobble it up fast, and if you hurl, we’ll give you more!”

On receiving a treat
What I say: “Chloe…gently”.
What Chloe hears: “Chloe….eat my hand!!”

To be continued………

Note to self # 3

When someone who has come to view your house tells you that the property was recommended by thier psychic......do NOT laugh.

Religious Fanatics

....of all kinds, be they islamic, christian or Tom Cruise....should, in my opinion be rounded up, shot and forgotten. These people use religion to hide behind, to excuse thier own behaviour, and as an explanation to anything they can't understand.

I've read the bible. It's a good book. But I've also read the complete works of Dr. Zeuss, and didn't find anything in there to lead my life by.

Note to self #2

When yelling, gesticulating wildly and making obscene hand gestures to the driver in the next lane on a motorway, ALWAYS make sure that the car behind you does not have blue flashing lights and 2 police officers on board.

Both had aparently had a sense of humour by-pass.

Telephone Sales Calls

WHY?....Why do they have to wait until 9pm, when I'm sitting down with the pooch by my side?

Why do they ALL sound like they're calling from the other side of the solar system?

Why do they all sound like Ghandi?

Why, after I tell them I'm not interested, do they then ask for my husband? Do they have CCTV in my house? Are they aware he's a pushover and would probably actually buy one of thier little holiday apartments in Kosovo?

And why do they not laugh when, for security purposes, I ask for thier mother's maiden name and date of birth?

Vote of confidence? Perhaps not then.

So the US Military have banned all thier personnel currently posted in the UK from visiting anywhere inside the circumference of the M25. That's basically all of London.

There's a vote of confidence for you....Not

Thanks Mr Bush. Tosser.

Important Note to Self

Calling a colleague an arsehole (even if it IS true) does NOT make for a comfortable working environment.