Useless fact #1

At least 2 people die every year in the UK from vending machines falling on them.

In the US it's 12.

Too Big!!!!

Panasonic has a new toy. It's a 103 inch wide screen plasma TV.

Of course you will need to rent a crane and add steel supports in the walls in order to mount this thing, but it will certainly be the biggest baddest boy in your neighborhood. On the other hand, why do you want to watch television on something this large? Yes, Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith or Jurassic Park would be awesome on this set, but the evening news?

Think about it Osama.....

Has anyone else ever noticed that Osama Bin Laden is always wearing a US Army field jacket? It cracks me up... on the one hand, it's a constant reminder that he was trained by US Special Forces in the 1980's... on the other, he's carrying on a holy war against the US while wearing a jacket that was probably made in Deerborne, Michigan.

See, even the holy crusaders lack the convictions they spew.....

Adventures in Advertising

This billboard really catches my attention...the TV ad does too. What brilliance. The creators of this campaign are as smart as hell because:

1. This ad commands your attention, as you think in that first split-second: "what the?!..... is that sign a fuckup?" We're so used to seeing s(t)ick-thin girls on display that normal ones look weird.

2. It's not like dove is promoting obesity. The models aren't overweight; they just have meat.

3. Women identify with product models who look like they do. Ladies are much more likely to believe they can achieve the results attained by these real-life models than to convince themselves that their reflection tomorrow will mirror kate moss.

4. It's a good cause. The ad campaigns offers a refreshing media alternative to a predominance of skinny sameness, with obvious positive connotations for young girls seeking a frame of reference for their own appearance, and the advertisers can go to sleep feeling good about their shit instead of trying to convince themselves they're not scumbags.

Everyday People

The thing about walking your dogs on the same route every morning is that you keep running into the same people. You don't actually meet anybody (other than to nod hello, comment about one another's dog, or maybe dog-chat for a few paces until someone breaks free), but a familiarity begins to grow.In my mind, I have referring to the regulars by extended nicknames.

For instance, there's Yummy Dark-Haired Guy and his whacky Weimarana. Yummy always offers up a cheerful hello as he goes by, and there's never any choice but to turn around and watch him disappear down the trail. He simply looks too good in the faded-out jeans he favours.

Then there's Little Grey Lady and her Really Big Old Black Lab. She's there without fail first thing every morning, and her dog is always game in spirit if not in body. He's friendly and happy and fragile and the woman clearly loves him to death. It breaks my heart a little.

One of the stranger Dog Walk People is Ageing German Rocker and his Big Balls Bulldog. Picture Gene Simmons in leather pants with a thick accent and you're not far off. His uncut dog wants nothing more than to mount any and all female takers, but Chloe isn't interested. He's a very handsome Bulldog... but I guess he's just not her type……

……Unlike Norman. Yes you heard me right….Norman. I ask you. Norm (as I like to call him) is a 6-month old Bridle Boxer and Chloe ADORES him. She whimpers, she bats her eyes, hell she rolls onto her back for crying out loud. Even a whiff of dear Norm and my usually reserved German Shepherd turns into the canine Heidi Fleiss.

There's only one person I ever have longer conversations with, but she's not there that often. Probably-a-Lesbian with Two Happy Mutts tends to run into me right by the horses who live near the top of the park. (There are estates that border the park, and the people who own the horses have the greatest properties in town.) Probably-a-Lesbian is laid-back and washed-out, in her late 40s, and talks like she's still stoned from a few years back.

I can't believe I ever thought going for walks was a chore. The people-watching alone is worth the price of admission. It does make me wonder, though, how some of these people might refer to me ......

It’s probably best not to think about it too much!

Oh How I Wish...........

I could play with the "Cool Chicks".......lol

Perhaps I could derive the same pleasure from plucking out my own eyeballs with a spoon.

:)

Give This Woman a Medal

AustraliaGun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81 was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be: 'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cell mate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up. The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to,

Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through. The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them," recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either-- because I've got me a gun and I've been shooting' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one." So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel. I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled. So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, , opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for Mayor.

To The Spammers of the World

While I'm not fond of the spam, I understand it's a job; and in this economy, a job that pays the bills is to be appreciated.Since I seem to get over 100 spam emails a day, I consider myself quite knowledgeable.

Here's a few suggestions for you to make your spamming more successful:

1. Emailing me the same message 40 times in one day doesn't make me read them. It's just as easy to click the button that says delete all messages as it is to delete only one. Basically, I'm telling you this so you can save some time- it must take a few seconds to repeatedly send out the same message to thousands of addresses.

2. I'm a woman. I have no desire to increase my penis size, or make my erections last longer. Please market your "goods" to the appropriate demographic. I'm sure you got that info from whatever mailing list you purchased my email address from- why not use it?

3. Sending me an email that appears to have been sent from my email address doesn't make me read it. Are you really banking on the thought that I forgot that I sent myself an email about how to make thousands of dollars working from home? First of all, I don't generally send email to myself. If I did, I'm generally going to remember doing it. So why not just put the real email address there?

4. Your newest trick- saying the email is from "Sally" regarding "Tim" (feel free to change the names to whichever ones you're using- I get a variety of them). Clever, but really- do you think we're going to fall for that? In most cases, you're not even using common names. How many Kellys have a friend named Sarota sending them emails about a guy named Jawad? I'm guessing not many. So everyone else will just delete it without opening it. And since your spam has nothing to do with Jawad, why not just be up front with what it's about? Just once, I'd like to see an email titled "yeah, it's more spam, but why not take a look?"... you know what- I would probably look at it!

5. At least try to be creative. If you've got to spam, can you at least entertain me? There's nothing worse than getting spam from "lkdjrfoweir" with a subject titled "jjkkkkkwww"... yeah- it doesn't really make me want to read it.

6. Again, I'm a woman. Not that you'd know my sexuality, but the majority of the population is heterosexual. So sending out nude photos of women isn't going to lure most of us women in. Save that for the men.

7. Titling the subject line "re:" doesn't make me think that you're responding to an email I sent you.Bottom line, if you must inconvenience me, can you at least have the courtesy to get it right?

Things to ponder

If we're to ban the seal hunt on the basis of cruelty, by the same logic shouldn't we ban the slaughter of cows and pigs? The activists will argue that baby seals are defenseless animals. So was the chicken I had for dinner last night, but I don't see the pro-poultry lobby picketing my house.

Taking the concept one step further, we have disclaimers on tuna cans declaring the product inside "dolphin free." Everyone's worried about harming innocent dolphins, but nobody seems to care about the tuna. Don't get me wrong. I'm not anti-dolphin. I'm just pro-tuna.

Cat Bathing

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.