First Hangover of 2007

Cause: Pinot Grigio. Effect: Not unlike flu, that is, nausea, headache and a general feeling that one wants to take the duvet that has been stuffed into one's head and crawl under it for the day. Also, oddly, my mouth tasted almost exactly the same as I imagine a badger's arse does. This is not, of course, a suspicion I ever want to test, but I'm fairly positive that is the closest approximation.

The evening started oh-so promisingly with the suggestion of a brisk walk into the Village to get a kebab. On the way, it was decided to stop in at the Red Lion Pub. Recently refurbished, it was interesting to see that the (low) ceilings were actually cream, rather than a shade of second-hand cigarette smoke that seems popular in pubs.

Drinks were bought. Drinks were drunk. At some point there may well have been a packet of peanuts involved.Suspect that evening got away from me around about the fourth large glass of wine. Remember wandering home in a manner almost exactly like one of those diagrams of bee dances.

Dear Kotex........

Dear Kotex:
I recently noticed that the peel-off strip of my pantiliner had a bunch of "Kotex Tips for Life" on it. Annoying advice such as:
~ Staying active during your period can relieve cramps.
~ Avoiding caffeine may help reduce cramps and headaches.
~ Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day to keep you hydrated and feeling fresh.
~Try Kotex blah blah blah other products...

Obviously the individual behind this was someone who has never possessed a functioning set of ovaries.

Go ahead and tell a menstruating woman that drinking 6-8 glasses of water will help keep her feeling fresh. Like we need more fluid inside our bloated bodies ......but go ahead...I triple-dog-friggen-dare-ya...See what happens and report back. No, go on.....I'll wait.

While you're at it, dump out the coffee at work and remove the chocolate from the vending machine. I garan-friggen-tee that the first responders will be females who just ovulated.

~ Staying active will relieve headaches & cramps...well guess what, the only activities that interest me is eating..sleeping..bitching or crying for no apparent reason. ..and oh...does ripping someone's head off count as a friggen' activity?????

Look, females don't need or want tips for living on their femininehygiene products. Younger girls are already hearing "helpful" crap like that from elderly relatives. Veteran females have already concocted their own recipes for survival, many containing alcohol & barbituates.

Printing out crap advice while sneaking in ads for the brand that was already purchased is just plain annoying, not to mention rude, and is enough to send a girl running to the Always brand.It's not a fun time.

Oh, and DO NOT try to cheer us up by adding smileyfaces or bunnies or flowery cutesy crap to your products or the packaging. Put the crap in a plain brown wrapper so we can throw it in our carts discreetly and have it blend in among the wine and beer. There is nothing more annoying than having a blinding pink package announcing your uterine state to everyone in the store. Why don't ya just add an in-store microphone to the darn package & announce that..., "Helloooo!!! Another female in the store is on the rag!!!!!"

So take your tips for living and your cute bunnies & the smiley faces and shove them right up your @$$.

PS How about adding a free sample of Pamprin & maybe a shot of Bourbon to your packages instead.

Dog Owners

There are three types of dog owner.

The first type is the true dog lover. A true dog lover will have a gundog, or at least a large dog, a breed that is noble, right, true and godly. Such a dog will be up at dawn, spend the day chin-deep in fen, bracken, bog or field retrieving the remains of the fowl blasted out of the sky by his master and still have the energy to lie in front of a fire all evening and, as occasion demands, be blamed for the strange smells emanating from any older relatives.

The second type is the "I want people to think I'm a dog lover, but actually big dogs scare the bejesus out of me". These will have a terrier. Wire-haired or smooth it is principally a rat-catcher with character. Cats are all very well for mice or making the house smell of mad old women but when it comes to country-rats, that have grown to huge proportions eating the oats from the barn and the occasional unlucky sheep, you need something that knows no fear and very little sense. A terrier.

Finally you have your air-head heiress / pop-princesses. I’m not sure what breed exactly it is that she has but, I think they take all of the hair they’ve removed from her pee-pee place and stick it around a yapping noise to make them.

Even this last variety of owner is better than the sort of people who don’t own dogs but rather just have them, the same way they have a crappy little car with a crappy body-kit and a shocking sound-system in it. Like their ill-spelled tats, they believe that getting a certain kind of dog will make them look hard. For these people (oh, and drug dealers) the animal of choice is the pit-bull terrier. This is because it does make people cross the street to avoid it and this is because it’s well known that the only way to stop a pit-bull is to hit it with something heavy - preferably the 8:20 from Paddington.

You can tell a lot about a dog by its arse.

Gundogs have an arse usually covered in mud, gorse and a wagging tail.

Terriers have a puckered little arse to ensure no water or anything gets up there.

Pubewawahs (or whatever they're called) usually have an arse pointed down into a handbag and about to do something catastrophic as a result of their owner putting them on the Atkins.

Pit-bulls have their arsehole on the end of their leash - or usually not, usually they're strutting alongside.